his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
