so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
