My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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