I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
