the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
