well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Farmville is her only friend.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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