My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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