I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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