I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
