You made me cry and you don't even care
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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