if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
