I hate your face
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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