it's too hot outside to masturbate.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
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