when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
