I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
