HIV tests are more positive than that guy
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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