Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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