i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I have feelings that need drinking.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
