I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
