how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
