I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
