You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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