i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
