it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
