I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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