I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
