If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
