My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
