I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
