We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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