Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
