please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
