running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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