kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
