Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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