After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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