I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
