he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
