I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
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