My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
