First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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