I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
