I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
