Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
