Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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