I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
