Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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