someone threw a dead crab at me
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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