They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You're like the curious george of whores
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
