I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
It's shark week go big or go home
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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