My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
