my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
well you can't waste a boner
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
